the cost of comparison

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I didn’t know my habit of comparing myself to someone else would get this bad. I somehow liked fueling my ego, and I only realized that it really stems from my insecurity and the lack of compassion for myself. Whenever I strive for high grades, whenever I want to do better, I end up measuring my success by comparing my progress to someone else’s. I’ve come to see that it was a very serious insecurity I have, and something I need to work on.

It affected my self-esteem, my productivity, my decisions, and just my daily life. Comparison is really a thief of joy. I want to be the highest, the greatest in almost everything, and it sucks me to the core when I feel like I’m just mediocre. It hurts me. I get insecure a lot. I didn’t ask for this, but why do I think this way all the time?

I’m truly working on it, but why can’t this feeling go away? It sucks to have low self-esteem. It sucks to keep comparing myself. I hate this misery. I just want to be content and happy with myself. I’ve been so selfish and egoistic, but I’ve rarely given myself kindness and compassion.

Oh God, please help me. This pushed me to journal because my brain is clouded with these thoughts. I’m getting emotional, and I’m highly distracted. I can’t help but be insecure. Like fuck—why can’t this go away? I’m honestly working on myself every time, but why? Why can’t this misery give me a break? I’ve been like this for such a long time, and it has never let me rest.

This is the cost of comparison.

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