shyness in me.

"You're so shy and quiet," "She's very quiet in class," "Don't be shy," "Mahiyain!"

shy. quiet. The words that I often receive and hear from everyone ever since I was a kid, especially in their first impression. To be honest, I am very aware of it until now, and this is a big insecurity of mine, which I very much hate. I did not choose to be like this; I grew up this way already! perhaps due to my childhood or childhood trauma.

Starting high school, I tried to be as social as possible, and it worked! I had a lot of good, staple, same-vibe friends. It was my time of life that I comfortably expressed my joyful and funny personality without being constantly judged or feeling anxious or whatever! 

Apparently, when I landed in college, it was a different set of people. Different personalities, backgrounds, and interests. It was saddening how they could relate to each other, and me? I'm just listening and nodding every time. It was annoying. It is not me. I feel like I'm a side character or background actor cause it seemed like I don't have any personality or shits to show. I thought college would be better than my high school. I thought I would be a social butterfly. 

This point of my life drained me out until I just became socially awkward to everyone. It's ironic that despite becoming quieter, I find myself feeling even more socially exhausted than before. 

If only I had the confidence to create a good conversation and not an awkward one, I wouldn't feel frustrated and tiresome every day. Where did this stem? Why do I get very anxious even if just a small talk? The thought process of "I wish I could create a normal conversation" was a depressing feeling.

At first, I thought being quiet and shy was not something to be entirely concerned about. But as I grew up through college, I didn't expect it would bring a big struggle to everyday life. Eating alone. Doing my work alone. Awkward talks, even with friends. Fake laughs. I am not a welcoming and cheerful person in people's eyes. it's hard to live like this. I don't want to be known as that person. It's depressing, and if only I had a button to fix this shyness of mine, I would definitely press it multiple times!

I wish I were talkative and confident enough to communicate properly with people without being anxious and stuttering like I hadn't known them since day one. They say that developing confidence, self-esteem, and good communication is essential for leadership, which is a role I aspire to. Unfortunately, I don't know where to start.

The good side? In some ways, I enjoy being shy and quiet. I get to appreciate my solitude, peace, and just being with myself. I can process my own thoughts and opinions alone and analyze them. Right now, I'm writing a blog that most likely no one would see, but I'm still doing it to express my thoughts and emotions. I like being alone. I like being independent. It doesn't get me tired. I'm my own best friend; I don't need anyone else to cheer me up. In fact, being shy and quiet is a personality of mine that I should appreciate and embrace more.

It wasn't so bad after all.