"You're so shy and quiet," "She's very quiet in class," "Don't be shy," "Mahiyain!" shy. quiet. The words that I often receive and hear from everyone ever since I was a kid, especially in their first impression. To be honest, I am very aware of it until now, and this is a big insecurity of mine, which I very much hate. I did not choose to be like this; I grew up this way already! perhaps due to my childhood or childhood trauma. Starting high school, I tried to be as social as possible, and it worked! I had a lot of good, staple, same-vibe friends. It was my time of life that I comfortably expressed my joyful and funny personality without being constantly judged or feeling anxious or whatever! Apparently, when I landed in college, it was a different set of people. Different personalities, backgrounds, and interests. It was saddening how they could relate to each other, and me? I'm just listening and nodding every time. It was ann...
The fact that I have so many "friends" but not a single one with whom I can have meaningful talks and a real connection is frustrating. Finding this kind of friend is like finding a needle in a haystack. Everyone is just glued to their phones, scrolling through social media wherein conversations revolve around superficial topics like bland celebrity talks, gossip, negativity, toxic thoughts, and relationships. Everyone is so caught up with meaningless information from social media. In fact, these shallow topics consume a lot of energy and space in our minds! But to be honest, I was one of those people too, not until I realized there is more to life than staring at a screen. I used to love TikTok and dramas of people who don't even know I exist. Thankfully, I gained awareness and clarity, which have driven me to try out new hobbies and get to know myself better. It was refreshing to step outside my comfort zone, and this has helped me appreciate the beauty of simplicity ...
Has it ever crossed in your mind the thought "What the f do I want to do in life?". You know, I thought I figured out everything in my life. Not everything, but at least I knew myself better. My passion. My goals. My purpose. Little did I know, I would still end up in this shitty situation, again. Unmotivated. Unmoved. Detached. This is the worst feeling, after all. I thought I was thriving. Balanced. But no, it wasn't the case. Ever since I stopped being consistent on my physical activities and hobbies, it made me ultimately depressed. Plus my freshman year is shit (not on my grades btw). I don't know why I got the sudden hit of unmotivation. I was doing well. I don't know what to do. I don't know what makes me truly happy. I am so eager to explore but I'm so drained to continue. I just don't know.
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