Amanda goes beyond

Has it ever crossed in your mind the thought "What the f do I want to do in life?". You know, I thought I figured out everything in my life. Not everything, but at least I knew myself better. My passion. My goals. My purpose. Little did I know, I would still end up in this shitty situation, again. Unmotivated. Unmoved. Detached. This is the worst feeling, after all. I thought I was thriving. Balanced. But no, it wasn't the case. Ever since I stopped being consistent on my physical activities and hobbies, it made me ultimately depressed. Plus my freshman year is shit (not on my grades btw). I don't know why I got the sudden hit of unmotivation. I was doing well. I don't know what to do. I don't know what makes me truly happy. I am so eager to explore but I'm so drained to continue. I just don't know.

Despite feeling gloomy yesterday, I still found ways to be grateful in my life. I learned that I shouldn't occupy myself with negative thoughts every day as it's draining and doesn't benefit me. I realized that appreciating blessings such as simply waking up in the morning, being with my family, having good health, talking with my boyfriend, and feeling secure and safe is what truly matters each day. It's a great blessing that I've taken for granted lately, and it's definitely a lesson for me. I'm very thankful to the Lord that my family and I are alive and healthy, living under a roof, and have the opportunity to study. I shouldn't take those little things for granted; they are indeed blessings .

You know, I feel sad for no reason. I feel like most of the things that are happening right now to me are not the way I wanted to. Missed opportunities, shyness, loneliness. I've gotten to the point I'm questioning my existence. What do I like to do? What does motivate me to wake up every day? I feel like I'm living on autopilot, doing the same thing each day. Wake up, do papers, eat, play, and sleep. My life in a day basically. You know, I'm questioning a lot of things, and I just feel kinda empty and sad inside. I feel like I don't belong to anything. I don't know what I truly want to achieve. I feel like I'm just forced to live through life. That's what it feels like. It feels depressing . Seeing everyone being happy, living through their life, achieving their dreams, being loved by everyone. I feel envy.

“You can either experience the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.” -Unknown

Within 2 days, I actually enjoyed being at SISFU. It lightened my heart and it was a memorable experience for me even if I hadn't got to play. Assisting and cheering for Maroon was already enough and was a genuine enjoyment for me. The SC ppl were actually cool :) and our adviser. I'm immensely thankful that all things went well.